I used to dread gift-exchanging holidays. I would lie in bed as long as possible on my birthday or Christmas. Getting up meant receiving presents, and receiving presents meant communicating gratitude through a performance of delight.
The gifts themselves were fine. I enjoyed having and using them. But receiving them meant expressing the appropriate levels of excitement, delight, and gratitude in such a way that the gift-giver felt satisfied. I needed to meet their need to feel empathy and appreciation, but it had to be honest. I couldn’t just say “thank you” – I had to smile and laugh and tell them why I was pleased to receive it, or I had to be surprised and awed and display reverence for the effort or money they had put into the gift. If I failed, they would be dissatisfied. They might feel like they had failed to please me, or even that I took them for granted. I had to get it right and I had to do it convincingly and so much was at stake.
It was terrifying. It was easier to ignore my gifts entirely – at least no one would think that I was greedy or materialistic. I wanted more than anything to be allowed to drag my presents off to a dark corner and open them unobserved, and to express my gratitude by showing how much I had used them. I hated that people wanted immaterial things from me that I didn’t know how to give in the desired quantities. I had no trouble giving gifts to others – offering my treasured bug cage to my godsister was my way of saying “I love you and I don’t know how to express that except by sacrificing my own happiness for the sake of yours.”
As I have grown older, the expectations for me to emote vividly have mostly disappeared, and a simple earnest “thank you” will usually suffice. Still, I usually prefer to give gifts anonymously if possible, or to excuse myself before the recipient has the opportunity to thank me. I do not want to force them to perform an emotion they either do not feel or cannot adequately communicate for my benefit.
Ok so I’ve been playing for 18 years and i’m a string teacher. Can i just say how IMPORTANT it is for young kids to see a BLACK, MALE-PRESENTING PERSON playing, nae, SHREDDING on a violin? I’ve know maybe 5 black people who played stringed instruments throughout my schooling and teaching (predumably because i’m an upper middle class white woman). In districts where the population is predominantly black, funding is always low, so the instruments are crappy. Kids quit, or the program is dismantled. I’ve seen very few professional string players who are black.
Obviously there are black string players. We just don’t see them because they “don’t look like” string players.
This person is the real deal. They were clearly trained, and seems to have some fiddle training as well. How cool is that?
and i’ve mentioned this before but the common conception that ppl who constantly suffer become desensitized to suffering is perfectly wrong. ppl who experience repeated psychological and physiological stressors, esp in childhood, actually become more responsive to stress, w stress response systems in the brain & body getting increasingly sensitive to stimuli and having more prolonged/exaggerated reactions
what doesn’t kill you does not make you stronger, it makes you sicker and less able to cope biologically and emotionally w additional hardship
Verylisa 