Verylisa

gravyholocaustsucks:

shmemson:

theoreticalconstruct:

truestoriesaboutme:

resting-meme-face:

is this Dark Water?

This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few:

• “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”
• “Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.”
• “To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“”
• “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”
• “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.”
• “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”
• “If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin”
• “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.”
• “If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.”
• “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.”
• “If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.”
• “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”
• “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.”

There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are.

• “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
• “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”
• “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
  culture, is the story of Popeye.”
   
• “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
  neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
  because what is that thing.”
• “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
  I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and
  drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some
  trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
  whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
  “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I
  guess some things never leave you.”

Jack Handy is a legend. When I was 14, I had a Jack Handy quote-of-the-day calendar. I wish I’d kept every page, they were all fucking hilarious.

I had a first sergeant in the Army with a giant Jack Handey quote on a wooden block on his desk: 

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.

drunkygoesonadventures:

dontbearuiner:

I will reblog this every Christmas season I’m on tumblr.

It’s beginning to look a lot like shit scram