When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.
Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.
Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy – don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly:
It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.
I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.
This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?
You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on.
It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me.
I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on?
I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself.
I hope these suggestions are helpful – best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to.
Was just going to say this in the tags, but it was turning into an essay because apparently I have strong feelings about these, so I’ll just say it here:
I believe this post applies even to people who don’t or don’t think they have a mental illness. Dealing with mental illnesses and breakdowns is EXTREMELY stressful, and I’m saying that both as someone who has been mentally ill since childhood, and as someone who has tried his best to help friends and family members manage their own mental illnesses and crises. It’s the kind of stress that can break someone, even if they started from a space of perfect health (imo people with perfect mental health are basically unicorns, but that’s beside the point). That does not have to happen to you. PLEASE use the suggestions in this post if you’re feeling the strain, regardless of whether you have a diagnosed mental illness or not. Don’t break your own back trying to lift someone else up.
caregiver fatigue/burnout is a documented thing among even the most neurotypical, trained, educated, and paid workers. if your friends need you, you have to make sure to keep yourself stable and healthy in order to keep being there for them.
drowning people will pull you under: they can’t help it. it’s crucial to your success, in trying to help people in trouble, to make sure you put supports and safeguards in place to effectively help them, rather than sink with them.
You also cannot support everyone who needs support. Prioritize the people who are most important to you. Also, support IS NOT the same as taking on someone’s troubles. Boundaries are hugely important. You can learn how to be an empathetic listener without also feeling as if you are responsible for your friend’s mental state. That’s called co-dependency, my friends, and it sucks and does no one any good.
I’ve had people (friends and family) say EVERY ONE of these things to me. And they were right to do so. I’m working on being better about ASKING if I can whine or bitch or complain or share something hard before launching into The Thing. I’m still working on that, but I think I’m going to be a better person with better relationships for it when I’ve mastered that skill/habit.
Oh hey look, something that ISN’T TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT 😀
… Step 1. Realize that you should exercise. Step 2 ? Step 3. HEALTH!
When you’re depressed, that question mark can be a barely navigable labyrinth of garbage fires fueled by physical and mental exhaustion, self-loathing, defeat, and frustration. The last time I found myself trying to hack through that mess during a particularly dark period, I started to come up with my own list of bare-bones, practical tips to help me face the idea of moving again. Now I’m sharing them, in case they might help someone else in a similar position. I stress the word “might.” If you’re depressed, the last thing you need is another a-hole telling you what you should do. But if you’re looking for somewhere to start, I’ve been there too.
First heading? “You don’t have to exercise.” I love this entire piece. It’s going on facebook, that’s how much I love it. A+
“The perfect body is a breathing one. Anything that serves those ends is worth considering. Everything else is noise.”
“Most of these training tips and listicles read like they came from people who have faced very little adversity in their lives, and who think that their own health is entirely the product of their own hard work.”
the black panthers cackle as they rub their hands together. “lmao soon all these fuckin kids are gonna have free breakfast,” they whisper, “all of them”
…is a large species of goose native to southern Australia and Tasmania. Noted for their short bills cape barren geese are often found on offshore islands and near seawater, as unlike other geese they have the ability to drink saltwater. Like other geese cape barren geese are grazers and feed primarily on the tussock grass P.poiformes however they will eat other grasses and herbs as well. Cape barren geese are fairly rare and are often found in small colonies.
THESE BASTARDS WOULD GRAZE ON THE OVAL AND CRAP IN EACH AND EVERY DOORWAY OF THE SCHOOL
Also they are super pair-bonded and you’ll almost never see one alone. When they are pair-bonded, they move around together and do everything together and it’s a little creepy.
Verylisa 